Thursday, August 4, 2011

Friends, Lovers or Nothing

The thing that sucks about breaking up or when you stop seeing someone….. One of the many things is the friend you lose.  You spend time with someone, get to know them and suddenly there your confidant and one of your closes friends rather you realize it at the time or not. When something funny happens you think oh “Blah blah would love that”. When something exciting happens you want to tell them. And the hardest: when you feel like the world is shitting on you; you want to run to them because they have a way of making things seem less bad or distracting you.             
 What really sucks is when it’s over and the only thing the person seems to want from you is a fight…. When 20 days of the month you hate each other and the other 10 don‘t know where the hell you stand….. Friends? Lovers? Nothing? So when one of these emotional roller coasters kick into gear (the happy, sad, exciting) you automatically think to call/text/tell the other person and then that moment of sadness when you realize it’s not that simple. I’ve caught myself many of times go to my phone type in the first letter of his name then remember “I can’t randomly text him anymore” and sometimes I do, normally after a drink or 5. Sometimes he plays along like there isn’t this bridge between our heart that were both afraid to cross for fear of falling but other times he makes me feel even more of an idiot than I thought possible.  
What’s even worse it the feeling that something is there! You know it in your heart that you could have made each other happy, but thru the mess and mush things got confused. So many horrible things are said, so many malicious and vindictive things are done that the truth gets lost and it takes both of you to pull it out. So much gets said out of angry and confusion that you find yourself second guessing if the other person even really has feelings for you at all, if they ever really cared.
So if there is no hope, how do you not only get over your ex but say goodbye to your friend? Do you try to be friends? Isn’t it impossible with all the things left unsaid and the feelings you can’t seem to fight. And how do you move on when you are still so attached?
… I hope you weren’t expecting any answers to these questions because I have none. Still trying to figure it out myself. I don’t understand why it all has to be so hard. Why to people who are healthy and once made each other so happy can’t just make it work? I mean if nothing really happened other than some ill-chosen words…. Chosen to hurt the other person because you wanted them to share your pain…
But I guess it’s like they say sharing is caring.
How much can you forgive?  How much abuse can one take? How hard can you try to change his mind? John Mayer was wrong it isn’t Friends Lovers or Nothing…. Sometimes it’s all 3 and nothing in-between. That’s my only resolution in writing this…. With love things will always be a combination of relationships.