We wander in and out of love like its meant to scar us

In everyones life there are moments that define who you are. For the lucky they are simple. Finding a perfume that becomes your signature scent for the rest of your life. But for many, for me they are far more intense. Moments that make you a killer or a saint. A lover or a loner. A friend or a foe. I once heard "our hearts are fragile and when they are broken everything around us shatters" this is so true. The most beautiful thing about the human heart is its ability to heal (Grosse Point) but after its been broken so many times things in you change. For some they never reach this change, once again the lucky ones. But for those who experience that one heart break that takes them to that dark place where they know they can't take anymore something in them snaps. How do people just hurt each other so knowingly and not give a shit?  (But aside from the point of this diatribe people can break your heart without trying. I lost a really good friend a year and a half ago and it crushed my, broke my heart in ways I will never be able to explain.)
When this happens, when the snap occurs different things can happen. They shut down, silently vow to never love or trust or let anyone in ever again. They decide that life isn't worth living and end it all. They decide that others don't deserve to live and seek vengeance. Or they stop feeling and do to others what has been done to them, not because they are evil but because pain has turned their hearts cold and empty.
When it hurts to breath and standing is exhausting, when every thought makes you cry, when you can literally feel the pain in your heart as a physical ache. I find myself today ... am I really at this point? I'm this 22 year old woman. I'm a student, a friend, a daughter, a sister and aunt. I have had things done to me that I would never think anyone would intentionally do to another. But now I hurt, I hurt with a rage I can not explain. And maybe because the pain is fresh I feel barbaric, An eye for an eye. I want vengeance.

* The title of this blog is a line  from the Mozella song "messiah" its literally the perfect song for what has just happened to me.

Lyrics to Messiah :

Amazing grace came in the form of a slap in the face,
Now I don't believe what I see anymore,
'Cause it's all the same,
We wander in and out of love like it's meant to scar us and we never change,
No we never think to change

But don't tell me that I'm wrong,
You know I'm not that strong,
And I never thought that loving you would hurt for so long

Chorus:
I worshipped you and I praised your name,
And I lived through you like a messiah

While saving face I let my pride control me,
When you refused to hold me and I never placed blame,
And then one day it just occurred to me that you talked,
And never heard me and,
I stood by you and never changed,
No we never think to change

But don't tell me that I'm wrong,
You know I'm not that strong,
And I never thought that loving you would hurt for so long

I worshipped you and I praised your name,
And I lived through you like a messiah

I worshipped you and I praised your name,
And I lived through you like a messiah

And I bled for you and screamed your name,
And I live through you like a messiah

Friends, Lovers or Nothing

The thing that sucks about breaking up or when you stop seeing someone….. One of the many things is the friend you lose.  You spend time with someone, get to know them and suddenly there your confidant and one of your closes friends rather you realize it at the time or not. When something funny happens you think oh “Blah blah would love that”. When something exciting happens you want to tell them. And the hardest: when you feel like the world is shitting on you; you want to run to them because they have a way of making things seem less bad or distracting you.             

 What really sucks is when it’s over and the only thing the person seems to want from you is a fight…. When 20 days of the month you hate each other and the other 10 don‘t know where the hell you stand….. Friends? Lovers? Nothing? So when one of these emotional roller coasters kick into gear (the happy, sad, exciting) you automatically think to call/text/tell the other person and then that moment of sadness when you realize it’s not that simple. I’ve caught myself many of times go to my phone type in the first letter of his name then remember “I can’t randomly text him anymore” and sometimes I do, normally after a drink or 5. Sometimes he plays along like there isn’t this bridge between our heart that were both afraid to cross for fear of falling but other times he makes me feel even more of an idiot than I thought possible.  

What’s even worse it the feeling that something is there! You know it in your heart that you could have made each other happy, but thru the mess and mush things got confused. So many horrible things are said, so many malicious and vindictive things are done that the truth gets lost and it takes both of you to pull it out. So much gets said out of angry and confusion that you find yourself second guessing if the other person even really has feelings for you at all, if they ever really cared.

So if there is no hope, how do you not only get over your ex but say goodbye to your friend? Do you try to be friends? Isn’t it impossible with all the things left unsaid and the feelings you can’t seem to fight. And how do you move on when you are still so attached?

… I hope you weren’t expecting any answers to these questions because I have none. Still trying to figure it out myself. I don’t understand why it all has to be so hard. Why to people who are healthy and once made each other so happy can’t just make it work? I mean if nothing really happened other than some ill-chosen words…. Chosen to hurt the other person because you wanted them to share your pain…

But I guess it’s like they say sharing is caring.

How much can you forgive?  How much abuse can one take? How hard can you try to change his mind? John Mayer was wrong it isn’t Friends Lovers or Nothing…. Sometimes it’s all 3 and nothing in-between. That’s my only resolution in writing this…. With love things will always be a combination of relationships.

So there' this boy 05-30-11

....isn’t there always...  Yeah I know. So I wonder if there is always a boy and always a problem why do I seem to never learn??? Frankly why do none of us.... men and women alike continue to make the same mistakes. There is always that one guy or girl who tends to have a hold on us. Or there is that feeling in the back of our head every time we meet someone that this person is different, that they are the one or that they will be the missing puzzle piece as far as love is concerned.

I know people in some twisted relationships I know one person who continuously forgives the person they love  and goes back to them even after the person threatened to kill them! Yeah, seriously! But that’s who they love and they keep going back.

I know another person who has had the person they love tell them they only want them for sex now and don't love them anymore but they continue to wait and hope that the person will realize that they love them.

Are we meant to be with other people? Is love truly forever? And how do you love someone and then end up with someone else..... Does this mean love dies and if so, does that mean love can't last forever? So many questions and no answers.

What about us makes us love someone who doesn't seem to love us even if they say the words... the actions don't always sink up. Why do we justify their intentions and actions, forgive them even when our closest friends tell us that the person is dead weight?

I mean lets be honest this isn't the notebook.... the odds of falling in love and marrying the person your meant to be with against all odds and then dying at the same time is highly unlikely! But then think of Johnny Cash and June (I think that’s her name) he died just months after her death... most people think it was of a broken heart.... So this means unless your Noah and Allie eventually one of you will hurt even if you don't cheat, lie, leave.... or just decide you don't love the other person anymore, one of you will die..... which presents the question once more.... are people really meant to be together for forever..... I mean I know our hearts and emotions are different than most animals and we develop attachments to people even if we say we don't want to....

I 've never understood how people say "I don't want a relationship right now".... granted I'm not the girl saying, "I want a boy friend!" You can't tell love or like or whatever what time to enter your life. It happens when it happens and anyone who uses that excuse to push someone away is a scared little bitch or doesn't really give a shit about the other person in the first place.  Because wheatear your 17 or 27…. On the fast track or headed nowhere fast it happens when it happens

But I still have no answer....

All I know is what I know. You love who you love and no one can tell you how to do that..... I am proof that it’s not up to you how your heart handles things but it is up to you how you act about it.... yeah its hard but sometime you have to hold your breath sneak to the bathroom, cry your eyes out and then wipe your face and do what you gotta do.

My final thoughts as far as love goes- We are all like children. All running to or from something. Trying to make sense of who we are and the world around us. Either trying to leave the pain or find the joy.

Peace one love I'm out.

Rolling in the deep 05-23-11

Rolling in the deep
Okay so I've been listening to "rolling in the deep"....the awesome Adele version and the sorta okay Glee version. And it is so perfect for the type of  romantic relationships I tend to have. "Finally I can see you crystal clear", so often I tend to have this romantic image of men in my mind and it isn't until the end that the mask is removed and the truth comes out (another great song "say you're sorry, by sara bareilles..... so if you see him man neath the mask, tell him I'm leaving and not looking back). "The scars of you love, remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all"..... such beautiful lyrics.... even if its not love you think about how after things turn sour you are left with traits of the person...  I've had it be anything from a pair of socks, a song you that makes you think of them, a movie you saw for the 1st time together, their favorite thing to do and so much other things..... make you think of them and how it "was" or how you imagined it would be.....how it is totally different then what you thought you'd have. Basically its such a beautiful song and it sucks that relationships have to end that way, that people you trust turn out to not be who you believed they are.
Secret Life
Just finished watching my abc monday night shows.... Secret life and make it or break it............... first of all while both addicting shows the names are way too long..... secret life of the american teenager is by far the stupidest chessiest show on tv but its soooo bad its good..... I think they need to kill off a teen character and get some new ones so they can stop swapping partners I swear this show is like Swingers Club the high school edition! And they all "love" each other and talk about sex every five minutes. 2 of my friends introduced me to a drinking game where every time they say the word sex you take a shot haha had i been playing tonight I would have seen wasted haha. Do the writers really think thats how tells talk and feel....I know its been a while (not that long) since I was in high school but the dialogue is ridiculous

Make it or break
Its a much better more realistic and better written show. But where is my girl Emily K. (and always wondering why does she have an asian last night haha)! It was a heart moving moment to see the U.S girls win at Worlds (spoiler alert) but it didn't seem right without our local underdog. Also yay Pacen for finally opening her self to love and omg sticking that one legged landing (no lesbo) but that sh!t was hot! haha
As far as Lauren goes I am sick of her doing really crappy things to the people she "cares" about and then crying her mascara away and them forgiving her.
While the "it girl" Kailye is pretty and nice I find her and most of her story lines boring... how many times can we listen to the problems of the "poor little rich girl".

Now for some old school degrassi...... before Jimmy was Drake and before all the kids made me feel like a chhild molestor for watching the show.

Peace, one love I'm out :)