We wander in and out of love like its meant to scar us

In everyones life there are moments that define who you are. For the lucky they are simple. Finding a perfume that becomes your signature scent for the rest of your life. But for many, for me they are far more intense. Moments that make you a killer or a saint. A lover or a loner. A friend or a foe. I once heard "our hearts are fragile and when they are broken everything around us shatters" this is so true. The most beautiful thing about the human heart is its ability to heal (Grosse Point) but after its been broken so many times things in you change. For some they never reach this change, once again the lucky ones. But for those who experience that one heart break that takes them to that dark place where they know they can't take anymore something in them snaps. How do people just hurt each other so knowingly and not give a shit?  (But aside from the point of this diatribe people can break your heart without trying. I lost a really good friend a year and a half ago and it crushed my, broke my heart in ways I will never be able to explain.)
When this happens, when the snap occurs different things can happen. They shut down, silently vow to never love or trust or let anyone in ever again. They decide that life isn't worth living and end it all. They decide that others don't deserve to live and seek vengeance. Or they stop feeling and do to others what has been done to them, not because they are evil but because pain has turned their hearts cold and empty.
When it hurts to breath and standing is exhausting, when every thought makes you cry, when you can literally feel the pain in your heart as a physical ache. I find myself today ... am I really at this point? I'm this 22 year old woman. I'm a student, a friend, a daughter, a sister and aunt. I have had things done to me that I would never think anyone would intentionally do to another. But now I hurt, I hurt with a rage I can not explain. And maybe because the pain is fresh I feel barbaric, An eye for an eye. I want vengeance.

* The title of this blog is a line  from the Mozella song "messiah" its literally the perfect song for what has just happened to me.

Lyrics to Messiah :

Amazing grace came in the form of a slap in the face,
Now I don't believe what I see anymore,
'Cause it's all the same,
We wander in and out of love like it's meant to scar us and we never change,
No we never think to change

But don't tell me that I'm wrong,
You know I'm not that strong,
And I never thought that loving you would hurt for so long

Chorus:
I worshipped you and I praised your name,
And I lived through you like a messiah

While saving face I let my pride control me,
When you refused to hold me and I never placed blame,
And then one day it just occurred to me that you talked,
And never heard me and,
I stood by you and never changed,
No we never think to change

But don't tell me that I'm wrong,
You know I'm not that strong,
And I never thought that loving you would hurt for so long

I worshipped you and I praised your name,
And I lived through you like a messiah

I worshipped you and I praised your name,
And I lived through you like a messiah

And I bled for you and screamed your name,
And I live through you like a messiah